I lack both talent and perseverance.

Arnon

By the way ,I hoped that introducing you to my goddaughter would stimulate her in her creativity. She's very small (and unhappy about that), you could make a fine example for her.

"Talent" is an invention of those who lack perseverance.

Mieke

Your goddaughter is a dwarf?

Well, that makes me a genius but I think I overcame my deep insecutries and with it the drive to be successful. All of that before gaining any fame. Now, the interesting question will be how many geniuses are lost to the world for having the outrageous luck to overcome their insecurities? By the way, now that I am not desperate for any recognition I do earn it and it just makes me smile in surprize (and then I politely say thank you :)

Arnon

Just like you.

hihi, was ist das hier? ein zwergenkampf?
ich sage: "klein, aber oho!"

About a year ago, I had a weird dream, a dream as real as a dream can be:
“On a hot summer night, I am walking in Amsterdam. The streets are crowed with people having fun. Nobody takes notice of me, a man in his early fifties. I am thinking: a few years ago I was still a famous and celebrated person, but nowadays nobody even recognizes me. All those years of fame seem to have been evaporated. I feel lonely, shall I tell somebody who I am?
Suddenly I find myself amidst a group of joyful students. By curiosity and in need for company, I approach a youngster, ask her what is going on and tell her my name. She smiles, nods and answers quickly, “Waw! Really, I have heard of you in college. Come and join us in our apartment. There is a huge party going on in the city, you know. It is celebration time!” She does not say more and I follow her upstairs where a more intimate party is going on. Students are talking, dancing and kissing, drinking, smoking or sniffing coke. The usual party stuff.
My companion introduces me to her friends, two girls and then she disappears in the crowd. The girls start a agitated conversation with me. They take their cell phone camera’s and show me home made movies. The movies are all about themselves. They are talking enthusiastically about their projects and their future lives full of wealth, glory and fame. I smile and I nod. No use to talk back in that stream of words.
After a while, the conversation sheds a melancholy upon me. I feel lonely in this crowed room, more lonely than out there in the streets. The room has become my prison, the girls my importunate guards.
Carefully, I seek my way out and “
I woke up. To my utter amazement, I went, in this dream, by the name of a not unknown writer – a person who does not need a dream to realize the futility or burden of success, I think.

Trixi

Very kind, thank you.

Bernard

Do you go to a shrink?

That's a beautiful dream, Bernard.

Bernard

I wish I had dreams like that.

@Dens
Yes, it was a dream to remember (and for once not a complete nightmare)

@Margot
If I do not know how to behave or how to live, I surely can live in dreams.

@Arnon
Would you feel more comfortable if I do not see a shrink? Or less?
A shrink is my mother, my priest, my prostitute, my public or my bartender, whatever I want. And I pay fairly, as usual.

Bernard

A psychoanalyst might give you additional insights into this dream, that's all.

Bernard

It's easy to live. Just get out of the house & step out in style.

psychoanalists

I went to a psychoanalist for a while (I had to quit this because I have other mental flaws that don't allow me to think that openly) and enjoyed it quite a bit. They are, however, not neccessary, in my opinion.

Dens

Literature isn't necessary either.

@Arnon
Thanks, you are right. (And I did not want to disappoint you…)

@Margot
Thanks, too although style may be a problem.

Essay

@Arnon
I have read your essay now, thanks to Vera M. I cannot completely agree with the conclusion, but first I have to see the movie. Thanks anyway, I am much obliged (not only for the dream).

Shrinks

At least three of the die hard blogfans went to a shrink, that's in my opinion above average, could there be a direct connection? And what was first?
And I hope you were cynical when you wanted Bernard to believe that a psychoanalyst can give insights to his dreams.

Strasse's partner

I'm rarely cynical.

@Strasse’s partner
Reading books can give insight. So does conversations with professionals.

Strasse's partner

My little conversations with my shrink are very comforting to me. In this blurry, bewildered world, wich we describe as reality , his suggestions are helpfull instruments to recover my grip on my environment. My conclusion, after carefully reading your comments, is that , though still in denial, you need one yourself. Don't be a coward, act on it.

yes, literature might seem not neccessary, but it's this that makes us what we are. I saw this documentary yesterday where they showed how we became what we are. And Literature is a big thing herein. By this we learn how other people act, we learn how we should react etc, etc.

And besides, a wise man once said: Only the amateur walks on the crutches of necessities.

Shrinks part 2

Personally I'm not a big shrink fan (Strasse went for years and it only got him to a pil addiction) but without being cynical or ironic, it's good that it obviously can help Grunberg readers.

Speaking of cause and effect. Two of my closest friends suffer from GAD (general anxiety disorder). I wallow in the thought that this is my fault which would explain why friends' pets usually die shortly after having made my acquaintance (a guinea pig on the first meeting, two mice on my pressing the bell button at a friend's flat, a hamster and two or three budgies).

@Juliane B
If this can console you, your words do sound familiar to me: soon after a first visit to a therapist, the man was hit by a massive heart attack. I thought it was because of me. But then I remembered, when I was a toddler my mother once told me that a neighbor died because I had not been very kind to him, an intrusive old man.

Juliane

My inner circle of friends died when I was between 24 and 27 years old. For a long time I was convinced that my friendship with them caused their premature death.

Bernhard

Thank you for sharing your dream. I will tell you how perhaps it can be understood.
The dream starts with an observation; ‘Nobody takes notice of me.’ Is it the realisation that the years have passed by, a narcissistic loss of attractiveness. But the thought; a few years ago I was still a young person, is in the dream immediately replaced by another thought; ‘I was still a famous and celebrated person’. The advantage of the introduction of this ideal is obvious; like gold a hard standard that keeps its value with the years. The famous name functions as a sjibbolet, as is indicated in the dream, in quite a touching way, only the pronounciation of the name is enough. Follows the images of enjoyment, ‘dancing, kissing, drinking’.
In the first moment of the dream, the gaze of the others on the streets is solicited, in the second moment, at the party, the gaze is returned: ‘They show me home made movies. The movies are all about themselves’. Can the concluding thought ‘the room has become my prison’ be interpreted as a sign of resignation, of wisdom; fame is a prison too, and even worse? Perhaps so, but it is too easy. For the first moment is the expression of a casual melancholy of a narcissistic loss, while the second moment the expression of a far more deeper melancholy. It is the bride stripped naked and everything is turned to the other, the girls, not only capturing the gaze, but ‘future lives’ and ‘glory and fame’. Not much is left; ‘I smile and I nod. No use to talk back’; the rest is silence. So the ideal has shown its final truth; a mysterious, but stipid smile. Attractive it is, and painful too. Never part of the party, or perhaps more exactly, a silent part.

Johan

Where have you been?
What happened to you after you came to Leiden to speak to "my" students?

@Johan Schokker
Thank you! I will keep a copy of your words (I am only very slightly familiar with your work)

Arnon

Nothing really; just working hard on this irritating, maddening work of translating the unreadable Lacan. I neglected the website somewhat, but take no offence in it.

Bernard

Excuse me for misspelling your name. I took you for a prince.

@Johan Schokker
I did not even noticed the misspelling. Not a prince, maybe a monk…
(If you have plenty of spare time left and if you are interested in some background information, you are welcome to the old http://fraterbernardus.blogspot.com/)