shame on me

When I was 19 years old I did not want to live, or should I say: I did not know how to live . I went from one job to another and back to my mother. As soon as possible. I wish she was here. I miss her every day.

Arnon

Could you elaborate a bit on your motives not to go to the audition? (or did you go in the end?)

Juliane

I got already three times or more rejected in the Netherlands. I wasn't up for another rejection I guess. Lack of bravery.

This story breaks my heart.

“A feeling of both despair and happiness came over me and I ordered a second coffee.”
That is not cowardice, that is the most elegant act of utter defiance of destiny! (I have spoken.)

When I was 18 or 19 I too went to a theatreschool audition (Herman Teirlinck). It was in Belgium and my sister didn't live in Antwerp yet, so I took the train back and forth on the same day. (Or maybe my sister drove me, I can't remember). I hadn't prepared anything for the audition. All I did was be nervous, sit in a corner thinking "What the hell is everyone doing" and when it was my turn I just shouted to show I wasn't afraid.

I wasn't accepted, of course. In fact, they said "we think you are a very, very dumb boy, aren't you." This wasn't the saddest day in my life.
After the audition all the refugees went to a café and we talked about stuff. I remember everyone said "We should all apply for the theatreschool in Ghent". And I knodded. Of course, I never did.

No money

I once auditioned for the filmschool St.Lucas in Brussels.
I was admitted.
Then I realised I didn't have the money to pay for it.

@Dens

If that wasn't the worst day of your life, could I be so rude to ask what happened to you that was more miserable? I'm a bit of a disaster tourist when it comes to other people's disappointments.

Once I did an piano-audition at the Rotterdam Conservatorium. When they told me that I was not admitted I asked: "Do you have an advice for me because I have another audition tomorrow?"
They looked at me and then one said: "Try it on a trumpet."

the man

i am a belgian filmmaker living in brasil. i would like to get in touch with the man, grunberg, himself. regarding a possible adaptation of one of his novels. my work can be seen at www.youtube.com/cosmocast; can someone please send me an email address where i can send a proper email introducing me? i rather talk about this with him instead with his publisher.
thanx so much. rudolf mestdagh

My mother once accused me of using heroin. She saw a spoon on a washingtable in my studentsroom. I got very angry, yelled hurrendeous things and ended with "If I could have chosen, I would have picked you to die instead of my dad."

Dens

Lookes like all mothers are the same, isn't it.

Mestdagh

Please contact: johannes
johannes@arnongrunberg.com

Dens again

And that was your worst day?

After being turned down at two art schools I decided to prepare really well for the third. And I got in with one of the highest grades.

Then a few years later I was behind the other side of the table. And then I understood that my own admission had not a lot to do with my preparation. It just was the right school for me at that moment.

It is hard not to regard the failure to be admitted as a personal failure, as an indication that you are worthless in some way. I know I did.
But most of the people I turned down would never have been happy or succesful at that particular school. So I figured my decision more to be good advice of a friendly stranger. A recommendation to find something really fitting or to wait a few years to grow up some more.

Now the funny part. The thing that got me into art school was a design for a device I called the 'Einstein'.....

Not sure if this was the worst. But it was worse than that day.

Sander

Would you say the same about women who rejected you?

@Arnon
Insofar I dare to speak for Sander, because I am quite familiar with rejections: maybe he could. Some relations can be quite destructive, some people can attract like wonderful but deadly black holes.

Arnon

My first reaction was: what woman that rejected me? But that is just showing off.

To answer your question, yeah, I think it is nicer to be with a woman that doesn't reject you.

I feel I'm more interested in women that reject me.

speaking of berlin, was that you on the U2 line reading tucholsky and listening in on our conversation about race relations at an american college?