Real world

2009/08/10 New York

Impostor

A friend alerted me to this article in today’s Times: 'Adam Lepak looked over at his mother and said, “You’re fake.” It was a Tuesday in July, late, and Cindy Lepak could see that her 19-year-old son was exhausted. Long days like this one, with hours of physical therapy and memory drills — I had a motorcycle accident, I hit my head and have trouble remembering new things, I had a motorcycle accident — often left him making these accusations.
“What do you mean ‘fake,’ Adam?” she said.
He hung his head. “You’re not my real mom,” he said. His voice changed. “I feel sorry for you, Cindy Lepak. You live in this world. You don’t live in the real world.” Doctors have known for nearly 100 years that a small number of psychiatric patients become profoundly suspicious of their closest relationships, often cutting themselves off from those who love them and care for them. They may insist that their spouse is an impostor; that their grown children are body doubles; that a caregiver, a close friend, even their entire family is fake, a duplicate version.'

To believe that your mother is an impostor is one thing. But what if you believe that you yourself are the impostor?

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56 comments

I'd call that conscious life.

said Dens Powells 10/08/2009 10:15 • x

Believing you are the impostor

I read somewhere that these cases do exist. If you like your double, you might help him, for instance by bringing a newspaper to your appartment (let's say you live in a hospital then) or cleaning the windows.

And when you're hostile to your own double: at least you cannot kill him. There were Capgras-patients who cut their relatives/doubles head off in search of batteries, or alien tissue, according to their preferences.

said Jan Allemagne 10/08/2009 11:35 • x

Mr. Grunberg, would you say that there is a connection between using a heteronym and imposture? Or does the word 'imposture' lose its meaning in the realm of fiction and artistic freedom?

said Marc Colsen 10/08/2009 12:02 • x

From time to time ,I feel my presence on this blog is an imposture.

said Mieke Dutoit 10/08/2009 12:14 • x

I would be very interested in how far people who don't fulfil diagnostic criteria for a psychological disorder can feel like impostors. Is a large gap between the self-image and how others perceive you reason enough? Or a plurality of self-images? An occasional feeling of lacking authenticity or that reality is somewhat wobbly?

said Juliane B. 10/08/2009 13:25 • x

Juliane

In general they call it a psychiatric disorder when you have problems, or when others have problems with you.
There are people who feel that they're impostors, while others don't have problems with that, whether they think he's an impostor or not.

But what kinf of impostors do you mean? In the Capgras-way or more in the sense of con men?

said Jan Allemagne 10/08/2009 14:00 • x

Think Arnon is still out playing frisbee or table tennis in his short cut to happiness.

said M I 10/08/2009 14:58 • x

M I

Yeah, when will the big boss be back to respond on our humble comments?

said Jan Allemagne 10/08/2009 15:29 • x

Marc

No.

said Arnon Grunberg 10/08/2009 15:57 • x

Sad

Those pictures break my heart.

said M. Hordijk 10/08/2009 16:37 • x

@Jan Allemagne
Not a stupid remark by Arnon. Long time ago my mother shouted at me that I was an impostor – a few months before she still believed that she had given birth to the Second Coming Of Christ (a common idea among psychotics). Of course, as a toddler, in both cases I tended to believe her.
Are you a professional?

said Bernard f 10/08/2009 17:11 • x

Arnon

That's exactly my problem, I faked my whole life and I deceive everybody -including myself I guess- but it doesn't lead to anything, so or I start acting normal or I have to do to the cheating on a more professional level.

said Veerle 10/08/2009 17:18 • x

M I

Are you jealous?

said Arnon Grunberg 10/08/2009 18:00 • x

Jan Allemagne

Perhaps both.

said Juliane B. 10/08/2009 18:16 • x

Imposter Syndrome

Interestingly, an "Imposter Syndrome" exists. Although apparently only women are allowed to suffer from it.

I'm sure my mother is an imposter. When she thinks nobody is looking her face changes into a frightening and bitter grimace. This is perhaps my clearest memory of her.

But aren't we all imposters in the end? Do we really know who we and others are?

What do we do if we meet the other one of us? I dreamt once that my mother received a phone call from herself. In the dream she just hung up and turned white as a sheet. Perhaps, a more productive strategy would be to engage the other and ask him or her some meaningful questions. In any case, I would wish my double (imposter or not) the greatest happiness.

said Carlos Dee 10/08/2009 19:01 • x

@Carlos Dee
Nice dream. It is said by occultists: when you meet your double you will die or you shall die when you meet God face to face.
Some also whisper, the other one of us is God or The Demon or whatever you may call it. Are you familiar with LSD or Peyotl or similar substances?

said Bernard f 10/08/2009 19:35 • x

I think you are all imposters. Except for Dens, he's the real deal.

said M J 10/08/2009 19:40 • x

@Arnon

You mean 'what if you believe that a real you is walking around somewhere?'
Because in a way having a identity disorder implies being an impostor.

said Hanny Verheezen 10/08/2009 20:19 • x

Arnon

Extremely jealous. If I was there I could bend your ear on the university of love.

Perhaps I am impertinent and forgive me for asking, but M J, are you Mieke?

said M I 10/08/2009 20:39 • x

Veerle

To deceive other people including yourself is perfectly healthy.

said Arnon Grunberg 10/08/2009 20:40 • x

Identity means: to converge or integrate (with oneself).
There is no human being on the planet who lives fully integrated with the self.
In Adam's case impostors differ from 'just' the selfcheaters or changing faces. Cases like this open up new points of view about the conscious self and its fragility at one hand but its enormous stamina at the other.
Like a web. The spider's not just in the web but the web is in the spider as well. Diffuse somehow but with so many crossings.
I am so glad that many consider themselves as impostors or have an unreal mom, but honestly, doesn't anybody feel embarassement for answering the question with: yes of course i know what it means being an imposter or knowing one?

said Hanny Verheezen 10/08/2009 20:45 • x

carlos

I don’t want too sound too self-congratulatory, but suspecting yourself of being an impostor is proof of intelligence and sensitivity. On the other hand a certain lack of self-knowledge does not make you an impostor.

said Arnon Grunberg 10/08/2009 20:45 • x

@ M I

I'll let Mieke answer this one, I'm not to sure about this whole identity business

said M J 10/08/2009 20:50 • x

Hanny

I never said I was an impostor. I'm just a bit blurred around the edges, that's all.

said Juliane B. 10/08/2009 21:16 • x

"I were"

said Juliane B. 10/08/2009 21:22 • x

Oh, forget it.

said Juliane B. 10/08/2009 21:24 • x

bernard f

I'm not suggesting that Arnon makes stupid comments, the remark by M I evoked a certain emotion in me. I will try to control myself next time. I'm not a professional on Capgras.

said Jan Allemagne 10/08/2009 21:28 • x

bernard f

Does your mother still see you as the new Messiah (at times)?

said Jan Allemagne 10/08/2009 21:29 • x

noch eine knappe woche und wir fahrn in urlaub! yippieh!

said peggy sue 10/08/2009 22:25 • x

M.I.

I'm sorry, but my double went early to bed this evening. She isn't able to answer your question.

said Mieke Dutoit 10/08/2009 22:53 • x

Juliane

Of course you are not an impostor. You are my wife. I don't want to press the wrong buttons, but isn't it time for me to meet your parents?

said Arnon Grunberg 11/08/2009 02:07 • x

Arnon

Those are very kind words. I am sure only the acutely self-aware have the "imposter feeling". Have you considered becoming a therapist?

To be honest, I have been worried about my double for a while. Several attractive young women have approached me and were most surprised when I told them I had never seen them before. They seem to be absolutely certain they know me well. One of these young women was sure I was a certain "Jan", who she says is a very friendly and "special" man working at the "Sociale Dienst" (Department of Social Services) in Amsterdam. The whole incident was most embarrassing. The question is: is this "Jan" my imposter, or am I his?

said Carlos Dee 11/08/2009 10:40 • x

Bernard

I am not a user of halucinogenic substances. Of course, I cannot vouch for my double. Could I just be part of my double's halucination? I hope not.

There are those - Willem de Ridder comes to mind - who claim reality is just a figment of our imagination. I do not subscribe to this view. For one thing, reality is often much stranger than fiction. Although I must confess that I often dearly wish reality was a figment of my imagination.

said Carlos Dee 11/08/2009 10:47 • x

Arnon

Lucky you. They recently asked me to come and visit them in October. You may come along with me, if you like. But be prepared to be mocked. A foretaste? One of the nicknames my father calls me is "Drahtbein" (wire leg). He ones said "Jule, selbst wenn du stehst und deine Knöchel aneinander drückst, könnte man dir immernoch einen Fußball zwischen den Beinen 'durchschießen." (Jule, even when you're standing upright and press you're ankles together one would still be able to nutmeg you.)
Concerning paleness this is one of his favourites: "Gibts bei euch keine Sonne? Du bist braun wie 'ne Bäckermütze." (Isn't there any sunlight where you live? You're tanned as a baker's hat.)

Do you still want to meet them?

said Juliane B. 11/08/2009 11:15 • x

Then you should introduce Juliane to your mother too.

said Mieke Dutoit 12/08/2009 20:36 • x

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