2010/02/02 New York
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In last week’s New Yorker Meghan O’Rourke wrote an article about grief and the psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross: ‘In the end, Kübler-Ross could perhaps have done more to help her own family grieve after her death. Like many Americans, she planned her funeral, and insisted it be a “celebration” rather than an occasion for mourning. Dozens of “E.T.” balloons were released into the air, symbolizing “unconditional love.” Perhaps we were to picture her bicycling through the sky toward home.’
The inability to understand other people’s grief can be taken as a proof of empathy. Who wants other people to suffer? The inability to accept your own grief can be understood as a survival technique.
Meghan O’Rourke writes: ‘In “Mourning and Melancholia” (1917), Freud suggested that mourners had to reclaim energy that they had invested in the deceased loved one. Relationships take up energy; letting go of them, psychiatrists theorize, entails mental work.’
Grief may be sadness about a wrong investment.
Who wants to invest in the dying?
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27 comments 
We are all dying.
Dutoit
Some of us are dying faster than others.Jan
True.I'm sure death can be a wonderful thing. It just needs better marketing.
I'm interested in dying.
Dens
Have sex with elderly ladies. That's a good start.Mieke
Tell this to a patient who is "terminal"."In the long run we are all dead."
Yes, in the long run.
Dens
In the dying? Or dying?Mr. Arnon
Both the dying as dying. The only thing I don't like is the aboluteness if it all. Well, I'm intruiged by the absoluteness, but I don't want to suffer it yet.Interested in dying
This reminds me of Stephen Fry's 2007 documentary "HIV & me" for which he also met up with someone who told him there are parties for men who want to get the virus. I would be really interested what they expect from becoming HIV positive, if they really want to get AIDS and to what extent dying plays a role for them.Juliane
I have a very strong deathwish since I lost a beloved one at the age of twentyfour. So for a considerable time of my life already. The thought of following him one day is very comforting to me. Maybe they have the same wish.Interested in dying
People play Russian roulettein many ways.
After a quick scan the words Kubler, death and the bycicle picture gave me the impression that Ferdi "the cowboy" Kubler died, but for your information he is still alive and is the oldest living tour de france winner alive, 90 years old. He is Swiss but lives nearer to Rottweil than to Sils-Maria.
Arnon
I 'm not convinced it is an insensitive thing to say to a terminal patient. Being aware that generations before you had to go and that generations to come will follow you, might offer some consolation. It's quite the opposite that might provoke agony: you have to die, we intend to live for a long time.For a child however, the notion that everybody has to die, is hardly acceptable.
Most of us want to escape death. Investing in the young is the easy choice from many, while maybe we should just invest in the living, no matter what, till death us do part.
Mieke
Your deathwish can't be so strong given the fact that you're still alive, maybe barely and more virtual then real, but still. This seams a typical meaningless phrase coming from someone desperately seeking to score on the next bookclub meeting.She is the one that wrote a book about ‘near dead’ experiences.
A weird thing, those near dead experiences, if you ask me.
As Arnon states, I will never feel grief because I never invest.
A weird thing, those near dead experiences, if you ask me.
As Arnon states, I will never feel grief because I never invest.
Juliane B.
That reminds me of an idea I once had. As a youngster, I had this phase where I'd try to invent "groundbreaking" things.One of them was a bar (where one could have sex) only for HIV-infected people.
Why? I thought HIV-people could never have sex again, apart from with someone who's already infected. It would be unique and thus I'd be wheeling in the money. But people thought it was unethical.
Bernard f
From exprience I can say it's beyond weird. Heart stopping frightening and beautiful too. I always feel there must be a very specific reason I am alive today. I just can't remember what it is. d'Oh!My NDE was in 1981.
Strasse's partner
Stunning, how your insight in human psychology equals your sensitivity. Truly unequaled.Thank you Mieke darling, I'm flattered.
@Hille
Hereby I greet you, fellow time&space traveler !
(I experienced it when I was seven – of course I did not know then how ‘it’ was called)
Hereby I greet you, fellow time&space traveler !
(I experienced it when I was seven – of course I did not know then how ‘it’ was called)
Hi Mieke, I notice the opposite in children? At least in young children. I find it intriguing. We cry, and they only cry because we cry. Not because they empathize with our sorrow, but because they worry about their own safety/survival.
Salut Bernard!
Nice coincidence that I was also seven.
Nice coincidence that I was also seven.
Aliefka
My first encounter with death was at the age of two and a half. I can't remember if I cried , but I do remember that I was stunned because of the dense atmosphere in the room where my grandfather was lying . All the adults were crying, that I thought was very strange and filled me with fear.When I was seven , the daughter of friends of the family was killed in an accident. At that time I felt devastated and couldn't stop crying for days. I felt horrified by the absoluteness from it and feared that the world had changed for ever.
Maybe you are right, maybe it was indeed fear for my own survival that made me cry.
@Hille,
My goodness!. (I learned about NDE when I was around thirty.) Indeed a very personal and overwhelming experience, even beyond LSD if you ask me.
My goodness!. (I learned about NDE when I was around thirty.) Indeed a very personal and overwhelming experience, even beyond LSD if you ask me.
@Bernard
Oh I wouldn't know. LSD is a drug I never tried. With my disposition I always figured it'd be a one way ticket.@Hille
Could be. I only took it a few times, only to learn that I could not do this anymore. My mind would have disintegrated completely.
Could be. I only took it a few times, only to learn that I could not do this anymore. My mind would have disintegrated completely.
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