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Flaws

Talents

In the science section of today’s Times Tara Parker-Pope writes about marital strife: ‘Not surprisingly, some therapists are creating online self-help programs to reach couples before serious problems set in. Dr. Doss and Andrew Christensen, a psychology professor at the University of California, Los Angeles, are recruiting couples at www.OurRelationship.com to study such a program.
The online study, financed by a five-year $1.2 million grant from the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, will deliver online therapy to 500 couples. It is based on “acceptance therapy,” which focuses on better understanding of a partner’s flaws — a technique described in “Reconcilable Differences” (Guilford Press, 2002), by Dr. Christensen and Neil S. Jacobson.
The method, formally called integrative behavioral therapy, was the subject of one of the largest and longest clinical trials of couples therapy. Over a year, 134 highly distressed married couples in Los Angeles and Seattle received 26 therapy sessions, with follow-up sessions every six months for the next five years.’

To understand each other’s flaws is one thing, I would say more important is to accept each other flaw’s or probably even love each other’s flaws.

I, for one, don’t want to be loved for my talents. I want to be loved for my flaws.


53 comments Last_comment
Can't help but wondering: Arnon, who are you holding in the picture?
What do you mean? Even by your readers?
sure you are talking about flaws and not bad habits? the first, is the essence of a well loved, long term relationship, the second: a reson why some might go for a relationship therapy. no reason to worry, just keep in mind that it goes both ways :'loving the flaws of eachother ' surelly you know that, looking at this picture :D
arnon
your godson? or a huge secret?
very nice statement!
it's not easy to love someone for his flaws, espacially when your relationship is in a crisis...
what kinda flaws are we talking about here? physical flaws, or other??
Roos
Godson. 2 days old. Picture was taken in the summer of 2004.
Francette
I don't want my readers to love me.

But if readers are so taken with my books that they would like to give something back to me they can come and comfort me with their bodies in the third week of September.
nice picture
I once read that loving someone truly means to love a person for who they are and not for their behavior. I am still figuring out what that really means.
Arnon
We are all longing for inconditional love. But waiting or asking for it is not an option. All we can do really is to give it to those we care for.
Moving picture really...
Francette
Corr.
unconditioned love (sorry)
all we can really do ...
Freud
Being an object of the public and representation, a man can not help giving himself away to all the women willing to read his stories of knowledge and wisdom.
Show me love without respect.
My brother, who is a very wise man (10 years older than me) has this nack of wanting to explain life to me. Over the years he's taught me lots of things, such as how to manage retirment funds, what too look for when bying a bike, and so on. As is the right and habit of younger sisters, I do not always listen.

I do remember one thing very clearly, however, and this is when he told me his philosophy of love. He said: "To love is not a noun. It's not a constant. It's a verb, it's something you do all the time, actively, constantly and with commitment. If you don't act like that, then it's not love. Perhaps habit and compromise, but not love."
Francette
Unconditional love is not the same as the remark: “Love me for my flaws or don’t love me at all.”
You don’t have a knack of getting nuances have you?
And to avoid misunderstandings: even if you offer me unconditional love and ten thousand US dollars I would reject it right away.
Unconditional love and five million US dollars – yes, now we are talking.
Mieke
Stop being a crybaby.
Arnon
There is a thin line between someone loving your flaws and someone being indifferent, especially when acting. Is it ok for you that people a) act (we as your followers will) and b) cross the line?
Arnon
unconditional= not limited in any way (^ surrender)
unconditoned = not subjected to conditions

I wrote 'unconditioned' and was speaking of a relation mother-son or/and more in touch with the photo : you/godson. Marital type, friends , etc too ... but not at all Writer/reader .

It wasn't a sequel of our first exchange (not directly "en tout cas")
Sans rancune de ma part,
fp
Stop, in the name of love....
Is there a price to pay to stop Mieke loving Arnon a bit too unconditionally?
Francette
I guess you mean unconditional love.
see: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unconditional_love.

Sans rancune de ma part.
No one can decide to be loved, no one can decide not to be loved.
I have learned to respect love. Love can be a terrible – if not the most terrible – weapon.
This blog commentary seems like an on-line self-help program to reach singles after serious problems set in.
Bernard
In what way is love a weapon in your opinion?
Bernard
Thats funny, my first manuscript is also a bit about love as a weapon. (didnt find a publisher yet btw)
I wouldn't want a therapist to help me with problems in a relationship. I'd rather see it as something unique in my life and ignore that there's a pattern and that millions of other couples might have similar feelings. I'm willing to suffer for it.

I had a reading with other young "authors" yesterday and the proper author they invited for the discussion afterwards said that he's quite happy to have had twelve years in isolation to develop his own style or at least a style that feels genuine to him.

It's quite the same with relationships.
@Teresa
In a nutshell - remember history.
-For the love of Christ, your parents, your country, ideology or whatever, you have to do this or that;
-Or ‘because we love you, we have to do this or that to you ’. Etcetera…
Love can also bring someone very close to you, can give someone a very deep insight in yourself. It can be very pleasant but also very dangerous. Love can be a dangerous weapon.
An example from a mother to her toddler: ‘We love the people and we love you too very much. But if I knew you would become a new Hitler, I would not hesitate to cut your throat.’
Juliane
I agree with you on this. Maybe its a but stubborn or so but it's the way i am;)
giving back
I would like to give something in return, for enjoying your books so.
Not bodily comfort though, how about a jar of homemade strawberry jam or green pesto by mail in the third week of september?
GT
Even a mother demands respect from her toddler. There is no such thing as unconditional love.
Mieke
There are parents that don't get respect from their children and still love them ...
Lila
1)Even if it gets to the point of survival? And how do you teach your child to respect the other, if it shows no respect for you.
I think this is a common christian misunderstanding. I prefer the old books when it comes to this: I'll love you indefinitely as long ,if you hit me ,I can hit you back.
2) The criticism meant for Arnon is the word "toddler". Consider it a reaction to the cheap melodrama of this entry.
Mieke
Sure. Demandind respect is fine, but should not be a condition for love. Idem for achieving so and so at school, at work, marrying this one and not that one... all these kinds of condition.

The child or person is put under chantage and his longing for being recognized, for proof of unconditioned (or unconditional) love (from his mother in your exemple) is not filled. This could make him very insecure or dauntless (intrépide): he wants to prove to himself he is really alive and not a passive thing.
fp
Arnon
Thanks

@ Mieke
Demanding ...
Flaws and talents
I would like to be loved for both my flaws and my talents. Or is that too demanding? Mr. Grunberg, looking at this picture it seems to me your godson is your flaw, isn't he?
Men of my age with little children; absolutely irresistible in spite of all their flaws...so, if I can ask, what is going on the third week of September? (kidding)
Flaws and talents
These two are often so interwoven, one can't tell the difference. So if someone loves you, they probably love you for your flaws as much as for your talents.

Suppose your greatest talent is writing. \What's your greatest flaw?
Sasja
My greatest flaw is probably writing.
Is this blog for writers only? In that case I have to apologize. I'm just an ordinary reader.
Sasja
Great blog! Proficiat!
Francette
I wrote indefinitely where I meant infinite love. My fault, apologies. If you show your child an infinite love and understanding ,it will not feel insecured, certainly not when teached the boundaries.
Mieke
I agree with you
Milan
What does the fact about man being an 'object of the public and representation' has to do with him not being able to resist giving himself away 'to all the women willing to read his stories of knowledge and wisdom. ' ?
sasja
If you come to my cellar I will tell you all about it.
Katrien
Do you want to poison me?
Am I Socrates to you?
M P
Felonies, baby, nothing but felonies.
M.H.
No idea. Freud's words are like God's words really....
@Milan van Opmeer
I am interested in your manuscript (but I am not a Publisher)
Bernard
Thanks. I think my second manuscript start to be better in writing details though...and i must say writing is a lot of work (when i try it at least...i am probably not really that talented). Wrote the first in two months so i really need to get through it and do lots of editing i guess first....do you write as well?
Francette
Thanks :)
@Milan
Yes, I wrote some short stories (all about my family and myself …). Indeed you need some talent, but also a lot of practice and not to forget, mastering the language.
Writing, reading, editing, rereading, etcetera. And I think it is also useful to read your texts in a loud voice, the sentences must feel and sound good. Therefore I like Arnon’s style, simple, narrative and to the point. (It was very impressive to hear Arnon reading a chapter of his book Our Uncle, in Amsterdam two years ago)
When writing, I observed that I adapted my life experiences to fit into the short stories. Maybe that is what I did with my thoughts all the time and I was not even aware of it. So I am a story, at least a part of a collection of stories.
Milan, keep on writing (if you like it) !
@Bernard
You can maybe add it together into a novell.

Thanks, interesting tip, saying it out loud, i will try it (when i am alone;))
Bernard
You forgot 'discipline'!
Bernard f
I'd love to read one or two of your stories. Mail me if you like.
Bernard
What happened to "Frater Bernardus vertelt"?
late
No, Arnon, I most certainly do not.
And no, you are not, at this stage (probably the only stage ever) you are practically nothing to me. A slow supplier of reading material, amongst others.