A friend gave me “Henny Youngman’s 999 funiest one-liners”. A small selection:

“I like you – I have no taste, but I like you.”

(Best pick-up line ever.)

“He lights up a room when he leaves it.”

(This is why I don’t have many friends.)

“Lots of people owe a lot to him – ulcers, nausea, diarrhea.”

(My memoirs will be called: “Me and my STDs – or The Audacity of Lust”. My publisher objects, but what does he know?)